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We were howling through the night, crossing the bridge that seemed to lead across the netherworlds, fog wrapping up and down, and soon we were on the battlements of a castle, singing songs and drinking wine and liquor. That was my first exposure to Vysehrad so many years ago, and I still remember that crisply enough. So when I moved to Prague, I was thinking, “well, no rush to get to Vysehrad and see it in the day since I’ve already technically done that.”

Then I went from city to city, country to country, and now our four years is almost up, and I still hadn’t gone to Vysehrad. When my wife’s cousin came here to see the city, I decided this was the proper occasion to finally give the place a proper look.

vysehrad and vltava

view from a bridge on a cloudy day

Anyone who’s been to Prague knows Vysehrad, at the very least by sight: it's that other big church on the other hill on the river. Many people make the mistake of not going. They think “castle” and see Prague Castle, and left to a sense of general disappointment because they were thinking a castle had big walls and ramparts and all that jazz, where in Prague Castle it just feels like a semi-modern complex of government buildings and museums—because that’s what it is. Vysehrad though, actually retains that feel of a castle, touching a little on our Disney-world imagining of Europe, with huge stone walls, high ramparts, and massive gates.

A Tale of Two Castles

Long before the dawn of Prague, there were two castles on the opposite sides of the River Vltava. Czech historians are constantly bickering at which castle was first, and perhaps no one will ever know for sure. But the Czech folk tradition maintains that Vysehrad—which means “high castle” in Czech—was indeed the first castle and even the origin of all Bohemian tradition.

There in the castle lived a most fair maiden, named Princess Libuse, the daughter of the mighty King Krok son of Czech. But to understand Libuse’s importance, let’s rewind to Czech.

vysehrad

Libuse looking off to her fairy tale

Czech was the brother of Lech and Rus and they lived somewhere north of the Black Sea, in what would be modern day Ukraine. They went on a hunting trip together, and each followed different prey. Czech’s and Lech’s prey were pretty persistent, as Lech’s prey brought him all the way up to what is now Poland and Czech’s all the way over to what is now Prague. Rus’s prey must have been pretty easy, because Kyiv is where he ended up, which was only a spitting distance from where he started. Czech and his people were called the Czechs, Rus and his people were called the Rus (later Ukrainians and Russians), and Lech and his people were called the Pollechs. True story.

So Czech begat Krok who then begat three daughters, the youngest and wisest was Libuse. Her sister Kazi was a magician and Teta was a healer (hence the name of the Czech pharmacy chain), but she had the far superior gift of seeing the future. If you don’t know how this is superior, then you should either read Philip K. Dick’s “The Golden Man” or watch “Next” if you can handle Nicholas Cage.

vysehrad

a closer view of Libuse

Being that Libuse’s gift was that much more awesome than his other two dauther’s, Krok chose Libuse to take over the realm after he passed on. As they were walking along a cliff, or perhaps in another castle, or their house, or somewhere, legends are kind of dim here, Libuse said, “I see a castle on that hill, and a great city whose glory will touch the stars” (considering that Tycho Brahe and Johannes Kepler were both from Prague, maybe this was a literal and accurate prediction). So following his daughter’s instruction, Krok built Vysehrad, and Libuse inherited it. And it was good.

Libuse was a wise ruler, but her subjects were even wiser. They said, “How is it there’s a woman ruling our kingdom? This is madness! You must marry and show us a man to follow around blindly!”

vysehrad cemetery

a Czech angel praying for the end of matriarchy

Now Libuse had been having some visions, some erotic visions even, as she was in love with the man she had seen in her visions. She told her men, “If you would have me marry, then find me this man. He’s a ploughman with a broken sandal, and you’ll find him by letting a horse loose at a junction in the road.” They set out and found the man, whose name was Premysl, who became the father of a long dynasty of Czech kings. At their peak, they would come to rule all of the Czech lands, as well as Austria and Poland, and didn’t die out until the 1300s, though ancestors from the female side would live on and birth the great Holy Roman Emperor, Charles IV.

The fortress

The Presmyslids (ancestors of Premysl the Ploughman), in recorded history, were in Prague Castle for most of their reign, though they did make a short stay at Vysehrad.

vysehrad gate

the main castle gate

Charles IV in the 1300s laid the final fortifications of Prague Castle and by his time Vysehrad was a ruin, so he had it rebuilt as a principal defensive fortress and put a secondary residence there. After the Hussite wars, when it, like the rest of Prague’s monuments, was ransacked by drunk Protestants, it fell into disuse and disrepair, not seeing any TLC until the 1700s, when it was developed into a modern fortress with bastions and casements. Much of the upper city and palace area were destroyed to make way for barracks, weapons storage, and the burgrave’s residence.

looking out from the bastions

Getting there

There are two really great ways to enter Vysehrad, and a plethora of really crappy ways. The easiest and laziest way, being the best, is to come by metro. This is the way we took. We rode the metro, which hangs underneath the huge dry bridge reaching over the valley neighborhood of Nusle, and got off at the Vysehrad metro station. Then it’s an easy walk behind some conference centers and down a neighborhood street until you finally get to a moat and a gate. There we were, Vysehrad.

the entry from Naplavka

The other way up, which we would find on a subsequent trip, was from Naplavka. Go under the train tracks and follow a really pretty street up, which then leads to the fortress gates. You go through the gates, and then come up through a forested path lined with lanterns, until you see the residence and then the beauty of the summer scene with its magnificent view of Prague and the Castle.

The cemetery

Our cousin was really concerned with seeing famous dead Czechs for some reason, which is what sort of led us to this location to show him. Since here, next to that aforementioned gigantic church, is a graveyard with such great composers as Dvorak and Smetana, along with the robot-inventing writer Karel Capek, and Nobel prize-winning writer, Jaroslav Seifert.

Slavin

the great Slavin, under which is a smattering of famous Czechs

here lies the great composer himself

the arcade where Dvorak's tomb is

The quiet and reflective cemetery is located right next to the massive neo-Gothic St. Peter and Paul basilica.

St. Peter and Paul Basilica

The first church in Vysehrad was built in the 11th century, but it burned down. So as with most churches that burned down, the locals decided to build a bigger and better one, and they built a successive list of massive churches until they finally settled on this beauty in the 1800s.

approaching St. Peter and Paul

the entrance of St. Peter and Paul

Inside is one of the prettier churches in Prague (far prettier than say, St. Vitus) and has murals and paint from floor to ceiling. The paintings are all “neo-Gothic”, which in Czech church terms actually means they’re art nouveau and look like they could have been painted by Alphonse Mucha, though without breasts and curvaceous babes. They are really interesting and beautiful works though.

vysehrad church

a woman on Facebook

Peter and Paul vysehrad

not quite as curvaceous as a Mucha

The park

Around the church is a vast park, filled with statues of different Czech figures, along with Czechs reclining, sunbathing, and drinking. The walk along the battlements is fantastic, which wraps around for what seems like a mile, incredible views everywhere, and just the nice feeling that you’re walking along some three hundred year old walls.

Festivals are commonly held here, and it’s a well known spot for great fireworks viewing on New Years.

vysehrad park

heroic posing from heroic places

vysehrad park

statues litter the park

The beer garden

It’s definitely one of the smaller beer gardens, but as it’s literally right on top of one of the bastions, it has a really awesome view of the Nuselske bridge and Nusle. The beer garden literally extends up to the edge of the wall, where you can look straight down to buildings below. They serve Pilsner Urquell out of the tap there, with a really smell-worthy Balkan grill cooking up the bureks and burgers.

vysehrad beer garden

the terrible view from the beer garden

vysehrad beer garden

not at all a romantic spot

vysehrad beer garden

really, really terrible view

It’s definitely a place in Prague not to be missed, and the only place where you can get the real “castle” feeling of walking along medieval walls (even if they aren’t quite medieval era, but shhhh, nobody’s really counting).


Imagine the only way some invaders think they can get into your castle is by flinging cartloads of human excrement and dead bodies over the walls? But yet, you carry on, defending the keep even though you're wading waste deep in crap. That's the stuff legends are made of. Legends of Karlstejn, that is.

My wife’s cousin recently came to visit, which meant we had to go along the tourist route around town again. No big deal, but this one included loads of shopping and yet another visit to Karlstejn (pronounced Karl-shtein), the massive, scenic fortress that sits about 45 minutes south of Prague and protected the treasures of kings and emperors.

a view from the castle

A bit of history

Karlstejn was built in the mid-14th century by the guy responsible for building most everything famous in Prague, Emperor Charles IV, King of Bohemia and the Holy Roman Empire. If there were other Holy Roman Emperors, that fact would be entirely irrelevant in the history of Prague, and I wonder if Czechs could even name other Holy Roman Emperors, since it seems that every building you point at had something to do with Charles IV and no one else. Seriously, did Rudolf or Frederick the Redbeard never build anything around here?

a bed fit for kings, but never used

a dining room fit for kings

an office fit for kings

The castle served as the storage for the crown jewels for 300 years or so, and was built in three phases. First the well tower, clock tower, the Burgrave’s residence, and the king’s palace, then the Marian Tower, and finally, the Great Tower.

Karlstejn from the side

The first section is pretty to easy to guess what the functions are. One to draw water, the next to tell time, the next to serve as the regional administrator’s place, and finally, where the king lived. The king’s palace also includes the Knight’s Hall and in the upstairs, the Queen’s residence (there's a secret door from the King's room up to the Queen's room, can you guess what for?). In the Marian Tower is a massive chapel and the treasure room for the crown jewels and holy relics, and in the Great Tower was the new place for the crown jewels and armory.

those paintings hold bones of saints

the walls of the throne room

Each tower was, in the old days, only accessible from a wooden bridge from the previous tower, and the Marian only accessible from the King’s palace. In case of an invasion, the wooden bridges could be easily collapsed, which made it nearly impossible to get into the next section and the crown jewels would remain safe until reinforcements arrived.

the wood bridges are now stone

The fortresses defenses were only tried twice. First when the Hussites came roving in in the 15th century. They weren’t able to do much, and attacked with little purpose since the crown jewels had already been removed to Hungary. They rolled up a catapult on a hill nearby and launched a bunch of dead bodies and 2000 carriage loads of shit over the walls, but that was about all they could accomplish.

Then the Swedes came along in the 1648 during the 30 Years War. Seeing much of Europe ravished by civil strife, the Swedes decided to clean up the mess and take over everything in the name of Protestantism. This was Sweden’s last stand as a great power, once as Vikings and the next as evil Protestants, they would fall into a politically distressed world of whimsical men, IKEA, and feminists in the centuries to follow. That’s what happens when a great power is defeated by Russians, but that’s neither here or now.

model of tower

Anyways, the Swedes rolled up and attacked Karlstejn Castle. As an organized and professional army, they were to do much more damage than the drunk Hussite mobs did a two centuries previous. They were able to take the palace and the Marian Tower, but due to the collapsed bridge, were never able to seize the Great Tower.

How to get there

This last weekend when we visited, we didn’t feel like driving so much, so we took the train, which actually ended up being easier than driving anyway. The train left from the main station and we bought tickets via the CD app on my phone. The tickets were just 56 crowns one way and the ride takes about 30 minutes. The train drops you right at the river, at almost the same distance as where you’d have to park anyway.

the train station

It's then just a matter of walking up the souvenir-selling village and to the castle. The restaurants there are actually pretty reasonably priced with good beers, and the souvenirs I found to actually be cheaper there than anything I found in Prague.

The tours

You can do three tours up at the top, or just walk around and look at all the great views from the different courtyards. You can’t go into the buildings without a tour, though.

a view from one of the courtyards

The first tour you can go on, which is open year round, is of the king’s residence and a part of the Marian Tower, where the treasury once was. I’ve done that one half a dozen times. There’s an English tour every thirty minutes. There’s no need for a reservation, as even if the next one’s booked, you can always take the one after and wait around drinking beer. Historical tours are always more fun with beer.

looking back up

Then there’s one of the sacred rooms, which includes the much decorated Chapel of the Holy Cross and the St. Catherine Chapel over in the Great Tower, the bathhouse, and exhibition on the building of the castle. It’s best to call ahead about the scheduling of that one in your preferred language, +420 311 681 617.

Finally, you can visit the Great Tower without all that hokey religious stuff. That’s tour 3.

the village and the high castle

Unfortunately, I can’t tell you how great the second and third tours are, as I’ve only been on the first. The second and third ones are only open in the summer, and on such a schedule that seems to dodge every one of my visits, annoyingly enough.

If you’re in Prague for three days or more, then a trip to Karlstejn is definitely worth the effort. It’s huge, it’s beautiful, and it’s probably the most historically significant castle—and best preserved—in the region outside of Prague Castle.

souvenir shops in the village

Make sure to sign up for my newsletter to be one of the first to find out about my upcoming release of "A Facetious Guide to Prague", the perfect way to get a proper visit of the City of a Bunch of Spires.


In Barcelona, there's a walk that's much more impressive than anything on La Rambla, and that's the Passeig de Gracia where you can see the majority of Barcelona's Gaudi-inspired buildings not in the Park Guell, in what they call the Block of Discord (in Catalan, Illa de la Discordia, or Bone of Discord), because of all the out of place buildings designed by various modernist architects of various ideas. Most of the buildings have a 5 or so euro charge to enter, where you get to see one or two rooms. At Casa Batllo though - the one designed by Gaudi - you can walk around most of the house, and though it's empty of the furniture (which Gaudi also designed), you at least get to see the basics of his interior design ideas.

Most of those fancy Passeig houses you're only allowed in to see one or two rooms, so many of the tours seem a waste of time to me. The only one with a full tour of the original construction - I say original, even though Batllo was a renovation by Gaudi and not his construction - was Casa Batllo and that cost an absurd 15 euro just for a walk-around.

Passeig de Gracia

a view from the Bone of Discord

My wife and I decided to throw in the money that it cost. Why not? We're only in Barcelona once. And of course, all the touristic activities are expensive because the operators know that same logic. Why tame your price when there's an endless demand for your historical place and you are the one supply? Simple economics there. And anyways, Gaudi was building his places for the rich, not for poor, backpacker travelers who would end up stinking up the corridors under his rib bone arches and playing pan flute inside his water chamber, in-between moments of talking about the latest Paolo Coehllo book about taming your animal spirit so that you can achieve all your dreams that you were meant to be through the realization of yourself as you are not as you are expected to be by those who don't really know you Iamalion roar.

Casa Batllo

Casa Batllo

About the house

Casa Batllo, also known as the House of Bones, is a house that was redesigned by Antoni Gaudi in 1904. It's been refurbished several times since, and now it has been emptied out and serves as a kind of Museum of Gaudi architecture. Josep Batllo had bought the plain and uninteresting house on the Passeig de Gracia, thinking that he would tear it down and have the architect of the Parc Guell make him a new house. But Gaudi insisted that he could save the house in a renovation and quickly submitted his plans to Batllo. Gaudi won the debate and built his beautiful monument of modernisme.

Casa Batllo

looking down from a balcony

The Batllo family owned it and lived there until the 30s, when they died and an insurance company took over and moved in their offices. In the 70s, it went under a further renovation and was rented out as a conference and meeting center, until recently when they decided they could make even more crazy, gaudy amounts of money as a museum, which is what brings us to the house today.

Casa Batllo

what happens when drugs are mixed with architecture

For 15 euros, you get an audio guide that you can hold to your ear and listen to an alternating man or woman speaking in some exasperated voice about the different details of each room. From the entryway to the first floor they explain the features: the hand rails and handles are shaped to fit a person’s hand perfectly; the curved halls model the structure of natural places like caves and forests; the scaly paint is like that of a snake or dragon; the glass work, that is, the windows, are meant to resemble water or fire.

Casa Batllo

the Noble Floor and its big windows

In the construction, Gaudi avoided straight lines as much as possible, so everything seems fluid and changeable. All the materials possible, especially the tiles used in the mosaics, are made from recycled materials that Gaudi found in dumps or abandoned structures, and he tried to garner the laws of physics to make for the best flow of light and air possible, making this 1904 house superbly energy efficient, putting most architects of our day to shame when it comes green construction.

Casa Batllo

the inner sunwell

After Gaudi's redesign, the family primarily occupied the Noble Floor, which is among the most visually stunning floors of the house, with it's indescribable gallery of windows looking down to one of Barcelona's main boulevards, and with a ceiling that looks like you’re gazing into a whirling vortex. The top of the building though is the most interesting, both in the weird, alien, almost Geiger-esque way the Catenary arches that Gaudi is famous for hold up the corridors and the great halls. Here the different ways of light, energy and drainage are explained, with those explanations continued on the rooftop, along with a near twenty minute discussion on if Gaudi intended for the roof to have something to do with St. George and the Dragon - spoiler alert, the verdict is still out.

Casa Batllo

the catenary arches of the attic

All in all, the 15 euro is worth it. Especially if you want to see a completed work by Gaudi, one where he was given full reins of the creative and architectural process. The Sagrada fails here, in that he died before he could finish it and was hijacked by less visionary architects in the process and Park Guell - though with parts that are interesting and stunning - still had some limitations on what he was allowed. And hey, you're only in Barcelona once anyway.

Casa Batllo

a fairytale rooftop

 

 

The Sagrada Familia

Further along those lines, we decided that it was impossible to visit Barcelona and not go inside the Sagrada Familia. At first, I was ambivalent - I'm cheaper than most and at 15 euros, I'm even willing to pass up an entry into Heaven - assuming a corporation has bought it and turned it into a private enterprise these days. Some corporate sponsors I'm expecting to see are Starbucks, H&M and Home Depot, maybe a few banks, and in order to get to the more premium parts of Heaven, you've got to pay for the more premium tickets, because as we know, service and quality ain't free folks. Expect St. Peter with a bar code reader; he makes no exceptions when it comes to the mercy of the direct deposit - no less than two a month or your access will be barred. You'll be left sipping your chai tea latte at a grey, run-down has been mom and pop 70s diner over there on Purgatory Street, full of all the people not quite exciting enough to be sent to the Inferno.

Sagrada Familia

the Sagrada Familia: Permanent Construction Site

The Sagrada Familia was designed principally by Antoni Gaudi, from whom we get the term in English "gaudy", which means grossly out of place or extravagant, a meaning that ideally describes his projects scattered across Barcelona like cane toads in Australia. Gaudi was the 19th/20th centuries' foremost modernist architect, using the new artistic themes of art nouveau and melding them with influences of nature - creating truly bizarre, unique, functional and beautiful places, a convergence of art and architecture that seems to have been lost in today's warehouse chic world. One of his favorite artistic touches was the mosaic - a truly Spanish art - from which he often used recycled materials.

Sagrada Familia

no time for beauty, I'm talking to someone on Facebook!

Gaudi took over the Sagrada Familia project in 1886, and though he was the chief architect, he continued on other projects as well, in some ways perhaps to experiment with various techniques and ideas that he had in store for the church. The church was originally conceived as a standard Gothic style church, but when Gaudi inherited it he decided to make it a true landmark and statement of the art nouveau movement.

Sagrada Familia

the massive and weird interior

Much of his plans were lost during the Spanish Civil War and much of what we see today is actually the work of later architects somewhat inspired by Gaudi. His plans have been recovered though, and now there's been a longstanding debate as to whether to redo much of the work in order to follow his plans faithfully, or continue accordingly.

Of course, if they scrap what they've done, it would also mean that there would be no way to meet the latest construction deadline of 2026, the 100th anniversary of Gaudi's death. Interestingly, if technology from Gaudi's time were only used, the completion date wouldn't be for few hundred more years. Gaudi mentioned as to why construction was taking such a long time, he replied, "My Client is in no hurry."

Sagrada Familia

Christ's first Act: parachuting down from Heaven

The facade of the church is - like most Gothic churches - covered in an array of sculptures. But unlike most Gothic churches, the sculptures appear as though they are hanging from the walls of a cave, as though they themselves were stalagmites and stalactites of an enormous entry to a mysterious subterranean complex.

The sculptures have been added over the one hundred plus year period of construction, so they have a slight variance of style, but all of most of them seem to follow the harsh lines and angles of the early avant-garde movement, as though to show us a Soviet Jesus, who plans for the salvation of our souls in five year schedules.

Sagrada Familia

Soviet Jesus sends people to Purgulagatory

Though the exterior is tremendous and amazing to behold in person - indeed, no picture can truly capture the beauty of the work - it's the interior that's the real beauty. Inside, immense white columns reach up hundreds of meters, as though they were meant to hold the sky. Each column is shaped as an angular tree, with branches coming out to aid in the support of the cieling far above.

Everything inside the church is white - not just the columns - but color is added by the huge stain glass windows on either side. Each array of glass follows a particular color, so that the colors beam in, coloring the columns and the ground below, almost in the same way how in a forest the sun beams in its light through the leaves of the trees above, except instead of just being a brilliant yellow, this sun is bright red or blue or green, creating such a rich ephemeral play of colors that I've only seen in animated films.

Sagrada Familia

People watching out for the parachuting Jesus

Is it worth the 15 euros? Absolutely. I would probably even go again, paying the same amount. I guess if that's all St. Peter were charging to his celestial Disneyland, then it'd be worth it. Not that I'm looking forward to paying for 10 dollar coffee brewed with overcooked beans and served in paper cups for the rest of eternity.

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