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We’ll continue on the Royal Road that we started the last blog. The Royal Road was the Baroque era coronation route of Bohemian Kings and Queens, starting at what once was the old palace and ending at the main seat of Bohemian power, the Castle.

Now arriving at the Charles’ Bridge, if you’re not tired of the tourists yet, then good. The crowd only grows, but soon there will be a relief, don’t fear!

There’s some guys there in sailor costumes trying to sell boat rides for Prague Venice. It's actually a pretty decent deal at 340 crowns: you get some beer, hot wine, an intimate tour on one of the cute small boats that goes up the canals, and a ticket to the Charles Bridge Museum. Actually quite worth the hour and about 14 euro you’ll spend. It’s not a sail boat or big naval vessel, so don’t be fooled by their funny Village People outfits.

chatting with fam while waiting for tourists

Past the sailor boys, you go up on the bridge. The statues look quite medieval, but most of them are copies. The real ones are hidden away in the what-seems-to-be-permanently-under-renovation National Museum. The copies were made and placed there in the 19th century, so they’re actually kind of historic themselves.

If you look over the right side, really really carefully, you can find a face etched into the water wall. That guy marks when it will flood. If it comes up to his nose, don’t go to old town, because the streets will soon be underwater. He was put there and used as a prediction device to tell when the Vltava was getting too high.

View from Charles Bridge

Further down, you’ll find the statue of Saint John Nepomuk. He was a famous guy who got into a bit of a spat with the King. He was the confessor priest to the Queen, and as the King suspected the Queen was cheating on him—don’t they all think that—he demanded that Nepomuk tell him the sins that the Queen had confessed. Nepomuk refused and was thrown off the bridge—throwing people off of stuff is just about a favorite Czech pastime. That of course, might not be the actual story, which might have had something more to do with some shady land deals the Church wouldn’t let the King in on down in the countryside.

The exact spot where he was thrown off is marked by a little icon on the right-hand side of the bridge. The next statue is a dedication to the saint, and if you rub it, you get a blessing of Holy Strength, which is a +5 Stamina for the next three hours. You'll need it to get to the Castle.

St. Nepomuk and the Castle

Finally off the bridge you’re onto one of my favorite streets. There’s not much to do on it outside of getting ice cream, having piranhas eat the dead skin off your feet, or go to McDonald’s, but it really is a nice street to walk down. The street you pass on the left leads to the Order of Malta Church, they're kind of like a modern day mafia group, and then onward to the Lennon Wall (which they own).

the Lennon Wall is great for selfies

The street ends behind the enchanting and captivating Saint Nicholas Church.

If there’s one church you go inside on your visit, this is the one. Seriously.

Inside the Baroque era Saint Nicholas is the most incredible illusionist murals that you’ll ever see. When you’re standing in the middle of the church and look up at the ceiling, it’s painted so that it seems to keep going up and up and up. But when you walk up to the galleries, you can see the skewed perspective of it all.

the backside of St. Nicholas

Rumor has it, that when the Viennese painter, Johann Lucas Kracker, agreed to paint the ceiling, he did so on the condition that no one would watch him do it. But a certain friar kept spying on him, so he painted the friar’s image into the ceiling. When he later brought his accusation before the Jesuits, he was able to show them which friar it was that was spying on his work.

Last I was there it cost 60 crowns to go in and wonder around while there was no mass going on. If you pretend to be a Czech Catholic, then you can get in for free during mass, but they won't be too happy about you walking around. And it's really noticeable, since there are about 3 Czech Catholics in the country.

The belltower, which you can also climb for a fee, has the perfect view of the US Embassy. This was not lost on the Czech government during the Communist times, and they would regularly place their spies in the tower to keep a watch over the Imperialist Capitalist pigs.

Behind the church is a plague column. You see these things all over Europe, and they’re made as a dedication to the lives lost to one plague or another. Plague was always a big thing throughout history, and was the number one killer of Europeans until the two World Wars, when Europeans became the number one killer of Europeans. Now it’s heart disease.

looking up Nerodova

Past the plague column, we’re on Nerudova. Notice how the crowds seemed to have lessened? No worries though, because the beauty of the city certainly hasn’t. Keep going up this street and you’ll see all these beautiful and overpriced little cafes. Why not have a beer there? The most price-normal place is the first café on the right, almost directly on the square with the plague column. Further up they get more and more expensive, but the street-served mulled wines in the area in winter are always a fair price.

looking down Nerodova

It’s quite a steep haul, and then you get to go up an even steeper ramp to the Castle. If you don’t turn off Nerudova, you’ll end up at Strahov Monastery, a really breathtaking monastic area complete with a medieval library, and three restaurants serving local brews. Actually, those are all great places for lunch, and then you can stroll downhill for the Castle. Likewise, you can also stroll across the hill to Petrin and get a really remarkable view of the city from the top of Prague's very own miniature Eiffel Tower!

almost to the Castle!

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Prague can be a bit intimidating. It’s an overwhelmingly beautiful city, and to really experience its full life, all its corners and alleys and neighborhoods, can take a pretty long time. But if you’ve only got one day to go, then its best to hit the real sights. So today I present to you, the lightning tour of Prague. If you’ve got only one day to visit the city—or if you’ve got a lot of time but want to get all the tourist mumbo jumbo out of the way as quickly as possible—then this is the tour for you.

While I’m at it, I’m also going to let you know that I do have an GPS-activated audio version of this tour here. That’s only a couple of bucks, but it’s a bit more in depth and for your phone, versus the not-so-in depth version that you have now before your eyes.

Starting point: Palladium. If you’re coming from the train station, it’s a straight shot down the road. If you’re coming from the airport, take the AE bus and it will go directly here. Otherwise, find the Namesti Republiky station on the metro and tramway map and get over there.

the Prague old town square

This route that I’m showing you is not really a secret route. It was the main coronation route of Bohemian kings. They’d start from the limit of the old town, which we’ll get to in a moment, march through the town square, across Charles’ Bridge, and then up to the Castle. It takes in all the main touristic sites in just a few hours. Then feel free to linger wherever you passed.

Not quite the old town

First, you’ll need a sugar and caffeine buzz to prepare you for this jaunt, so start off at Cacao Prague, not far from the tram station. It’s a modern coffee joint full of delicious cakes and pastries. By any means, it beats a Costa or Starbucks, but it tends to get super crowded. It’s right next to the Museum of Communism, so you can get a dose of modern Czech history before strolling through the ancient and medieval.

From there, it should be easy to see a green topped building towards the old town. That’s the Obecny Dum. It was designed by Osvald Polivka to the influence of the great art nouveau master, Alphonse Mucha, whose works you’ll have thought were French. There used to be a stellar presentation of some of his work there, but no more. Soon hopefully though, they will exhibit his Slavic Epic there. A perfect house for his masterpiece cycle of paintings based of the histories of the Slavic peoples. Definitely check the website if you’re visiting and don’t miss that exhibit.

Obecny Dum at night

There’s a restaurant of the style that I like to call “First Republic”, which captures perfectly the atmosphere of the late Austro-Hungarian Empire and the First Czechoslovak Republic. It’s a beautiful place, but it’s also some of the most expensive coffee and cake in Prague. There are other beautiful First Republic places. It also houses Smetana Hall. If you can see a show there, do it. It’s the most epically insane auditorium you will ever experience. Pass on the coffee, pay for the concert.

a view of the Powder Tower, next to Obecny Dum

This building was once where the old palace where the king of Bohemia would stay if he wanted to be in the city, it was also the extent of the first old town of Prague. You can tell the edges of the town by the placements of the towers, which marked the original entry gates. The king stopped using the palace though after some riots in the 15th century, when they measured that it would probably be better to stay well-guarded and away from the pesky rabble. It fell into disuse, but the tower was kept and made more and more beautiful as time passed. It’s called the “Powder Tower” because the palace had turned into an armory, along with the tower, and they had stored a lot of gunpowder up there. It was certainly never a good defense from invading Swedish armies for this reason.

looking up Celetna Street

If you look down one street, you can find all of your favorite non-Czech stores you know and love, like Mango, H&M, and Zara. That street is called in Czech, “Na Prikope”, which means, “On the trench.” That’s because from the tower down, instead of buildings there was a big wall, and outside the wall was a trench. Fun fact.

Into the old town

Go through the old town and now you’ve started on the path that the Kings of Bohemia have been using for thousands of years, all the way since 1836. Stick on the pedestrian road. This is Celetna. It comes to a church. Keep going straight. To the right is a good area to explore though, and there was the old market, where they used to hammer rule breakers’ tongues to the post. The medieval times were good old times.

Finally, old town square! Yay!

the most romantic square in Europe

That big church behind you is called Our Lady before Tyn, which means, “Our Lady in front of the Market”, “tyn” is an old Slavic word for market. The modern Czech word for market is not pronounceable. It’s literally three consonants thrown together and coughed out.

Our Lady before Tyn was founded in the 14th century, but those beautiful spires you see weren’t finished until the 19th century. You can see the different phases of construction. It looks like each architect that was in charge had a different architectural idea that didn’t agree with the ideas of the other architects before or after him. But strangely, it all works to make one of the more remarkable churches in Europe. If you’re here just after Halloween, go for the Requiem Mass, where they do a mass to the music of Mozart’s Requiem.

Grab a beer while you’re here. Or a hot wine, called “svařak” (pronounced "svajak"). Get it from one of those stands next to the tower. A price of beer there is 50 crowns, a beer at a restaurant here is about 100. You do the math.

the Prazsky Orloj, or Astronomical Clock

That tower you see used to be connected to a huge town hall, which was burnt down by the Germans during World War II. The clock on it is from the 15th century and has been mostly ticking since. It also tells the zodiac, which is why they call it “astronomical.” This is a great place to watch Japanese and Russian tourists, as they marvel at the ancient technology of what essentially is an over-sized cuckoo clock with a skeleton and some apostles. The show itself is definitely not as fascinating as the tourists who are eagerly anticipating the clock strike while getting their pockets lightened by the friendly local pickpockets.

This is probably the most recognizable monument in all of Prague, so get your selfies here.

Lunch or Dinner?

Follow the crowds onward and you’ll find yourself in the “Little Town Square”, or Maly Namesti. If it’s already lunch time, find a small door on your left, go through it and descend some stairs. There’s a restaurant called “Las Adelitas” which is the best Mexican food in Prague. Beats the local gulash any day. Order a dark Czech beer called “Master Tmavy.” In pairs similar to Negro Modelo, but it’s an insanely better beer than anything Mexicans can do.

The road then turns left, but you’ll want to hang a right. It’s easy to see where to go because there are lots of people where you’re headed. As you walk down this pedestrian street, you’ll notice all sorts of people holding what looks like cinnamon rolls with ice cream. Those are trdelniks. I dedicated another blog about those here.

a trdelnik, or chimney

They used to be just a cinnamon roll shaped like a chimney, but then this one place on this street got the wise idea of throwing everything but their mother in one, and now it’s like that through almost all of Prague. The best are the “original” ones though, which typically cost from 50 to 60 crowns. They’re delicious. Eat one.

Look, more hot wine! Drink!

Old school

While you're eating, take note of that massive wall you're walking alongside. That's the Clementinum. It started as a Jesuit college in the 1600s and then was nationalized in the 1700s under the Empress Maria Teresa and was merged into Charles University. Check out the tour here and see the library where once Tycho Brahe and Copernicus browsed through books, and then go into the observatory tower where there's the best 360 degree views of Prague's old town.

View from the Clementinum tower

Check out the next blog to read on from Charles Bridge.


Nothing says Christmas like mulled wine with raisins and tangerines, laughing children, a 20-foot tall fir tree, a parade of woolly-haired demons, and a band thrashing to heavy metal. But that’s how the Czechs in Kaplice carry on the season, along with many other villages across the Alpine and sub-Alpine lands. In the Czech Republic, by far the most biggest and most famous is the Krampus Kaplice festival in South Bohemia.

The tradition is not without historical precedent. As Christianity spread throughout the region, Santa Claus--short for Saint Nicholas for my European friends who are confused about the jolly giant of Anglo lore--needed some help with his piling list of duties. Not only did he have to take care of his reindeer, manage his growing army of elven woodworkers, keep a list of naughty and good children, somehow balance a loving marriage with Mrs. Clause, and hand out presents to all the various good kids of the world, he also had to start giving coal to the bad kids. Mama mia! he might have said. Though he was Greek and I’m not overly sure what those olive pickers are prone to saying when exasperated.

Krampus

Santa starts the parade

And then one foggy Christmas Eve, Santa came to say, “What if we enslaved us a pagan deity of the Alps? I hear those Austrians and Swiss are hardworking folk, their old gods ought to be as well.” So Santa, with a team of some forty elves, sought the woolen haired, goat horned old god named Krampus. Luckily for Santa, pagan gods are prone to heavy drinking and dancing. So he got together a few of Mrs. Claus’s single ladies and set them to work.

Before the night was through, Krampus was in chains with a giant bell hanging off his back.

Krampus

the most traditional versions have bells and baskets on their back

But it wasn’t such a bad thing. He got to relax and drink mulled wine for most of the year at his nice cushy pad at the North Pole. And in December, he gets to revisit his old haunts and torment young children and pretty ladies, slapping them with bundles of birch and generally terrifying them with any number of untold nightmares before Christmas. The tradition continues The tradition started in the 1600s, when it was mostly relegated to local village parades. It would start off with Santa Claus, followed by someone dressed up in sheep's wool, horns, and chains, symbolizing something like Christianity's victory over paganism, casting Santa Claus into an almost Solomon-like position, with an army of demons to do his bidding.

Krampus

his bidding includes modifying a motorcycle and updating his sleigh

The tradition expanded recently, with the advent of costume technology and secularism. The two together were a powerful formula in translating a once semi-serious religious thing to just an all-out medley of bizarre.

Nowadays, Krampus is still celebrated with a visit from a devilish figure in the company of Santa Clause to tease the children on Saint Nick’s Day, December 6th. Major Krampus parades are held in Kaplice, Czech Republic on the weekend after, and a few other towns in the mountains of Austria, and also in Munich, which has a parade not only the Sunday after, but also the Sunday after that.

Krampus

One man's Christmas is another man's Halloween

We discovered this seemingly-Satanic festival of the Krampus a couple of years ago, reading through a local expat forum, and immediately decided that this was something we had got to attend. Last year we packed our bags, found the nearest hotel, and made for Kaplice. This year we'll be in Munich, so I'll be sure to keep you updated.

Krampus

waiting for the parade to begin

We arrived in Kaplice at about 4:00 pm. The parade would start at 6:00 pm, but already people were filling up all the available spots along the route barriers. It was really quite incredible and frustrating, though having some live music up on stage made waiting around a bit more tolerable. We immediately found a good position and staked it out. Like a good husband, I sent my wife back and forth to fetch me mulled wines as I strong armed people away from taking her spot.

rent a car and drive to Kaplice

Maybe it says something about the Czech character, but I was surprised about how many children were out for what basically was a Gwar concert procession. But I thought that was pretty cool.

Krampus

it's all in good fun

The parade begins The parades star a long line of Krampus teams, each in thematic uniform, their own versions of the shaggy demigod, most being a bit overly demonic, as though they were using costumes that were recycled from Finnish death metal music videos. Indeed, the entire night was something right out of a death metal video.

Krampus

armed with birch, the Krampus is ready to whip sinners

The procession lasted for two hours. The Krampii ran up, shouted, jumped on the barriers, threw away the barriers, whipped people with birches, and poked children on their noses and waved at them. A couple of times a Krampus actually stole a child and carried them around the parade, but it was all in good fun. The only crying child I witnessed was when the parade was over. The two-year old girl next to me was pissed that there were no more walking nightmares treading the grounds.

Krampus

Krampus looking for naughty kids

My wife and I were a bit glad that it had ended, since our legs were red from all the whippings. If you're planning to attend, note where all the advertisement banners are hanging off the railings and stand behind one of those!

pyrotechnics Kaplice

there were a lot of pyrotechnic displays as well

Time to cry After two hours, a huge fireworks show lit up the sky and then the after parties started up. But being married to a lovely wife, I had my own after party to attend to. So we made like Santa and left Kaplice.

So if you're in Czech Republic, Austria, or Bavaria this Christmas, December 10th, 2017, look for a Krampus parade near you!

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